GIVEN

He gave me life,

I tried to give it back.

He gave me hope,

But, I received anger.

He gave me laughter,

I shield it and cried.

He gave me grace,

I trade it for disgrace.

And then…

He gave it to me again,

I shed my tears in disbelief.

I told him that I loved Him.

I cried and cried again that night…

He went away.

Just then, I remembered

How can I not love myself?

And claim that I love him?

And so…

He gave me his truth

I took it and trade it, for a lie.

- This poem was published in the “That’s write antholoagy” the early 2000’s (2001-2004, I’m seated right now… I really can’t be bothered to stand and go ALL the way up the stairs.. then back down again just to check the facts…) it also won me a 1^st prize distinction award for poetry in high school.

This piece was inspired after a Friday at Church. I rarely used to go to church, all I remember was the pastor talking about how we ‘gotta love Jesus’ and he said something along the lines of, we can’t love God and others without loving ourselves first. I guess most of us are still coming to terms with ourselves and our weaknesses or just those little quirks we would like to change, I knew then that I didn’t fully love myself. I suffered from depression and anxiety, my body was changing and I was aware of it. I hated it. I felt I was too aware of too many things all at once about myself and growing up in a middle eastern country where barely anybody looked like me it was hard to accept the way I looked, being overweight made it that much more difficult too.

Today, I still have body hang-ups as well as unconventional personality traits that sometimes work to my disadvantage, but I grow more and more accepting and sometimes loving too. I’m a proud Christian and a Jesus lover and this poem in a way symbolises the many times in my life that God has come to my rescue and how I fail and falter but am once again delivered through His Almighty Grace and through the power and the blood of Jesus Christ, my saviour.

THE FIRST ARCHIVES- A poetic journey into and through adolescence