Character

The birds were floating in the wind, swaying in the sky oblivious to my emotion while liquid strings evenly parted my face. I wanted to howl insanely at the world, and ask ‘why me?’ and ‘what should I do now?’ I wanted to tear myself apart or perhaps I wanted to disappear but, a part of me quietly wished to rise above the ashes and dust myself off.

My essence was aching and weary, I was falling apart silently. All there was left to do was to let my drenched spirit dry off. So I sat up straight, not smiling, nor frowning with one hand sanely supporting my chin I let the liquid strings stemming from my spirit run down my face while I gazed into a life that could have been.

I wanted to call her but she was away, I knew she would know exactly what to say to get me out of this spell.

I was desperate, so I called him instead.

He answered the phone and we talked about the ‘unimportant-importants’ that allowed a single day to have its own unique persona.

Cold liquid strings rested on my cheeks as I offered him my broken spirit. He told me he knew exactly how I felt, that he had been through it before. That it was hard, but that he managed to overcome it. He persevered. He said it made him truly wake up, he said it made him wiser.

I was and still am learning about the one I call ‘him’ and ‘he’. He …surprises me often, displaying maturity and courage and responsibility and plain old common sense. He… inspires me often.

I said to myself, if that is what failing does to those who chose to get back up… then maybe failing isn’t really failing at all. I said to myself I wouldn’t really mind surprising myself occasionally with admirable traits, I wouldn’t mind being a little bit wiser, a little more matured, a little courageous, a little more responsible and a little more conscious. I said to myself I wouldn’t really mind being a little bit more… like him. I wouldn’t mind having ‘character’.

I decided to cease sobbing and heard a loud quiet voice speak. It said: failing does not mean you are a failure.

When liquid strings slice into the symmetry of a face, someone is experiencing the growth of a character.

YOUR ROLE, YOUR PLATFORM, YOUR LIFE FOR THE TAKING

I’ve been one to behave beneath myself in the past, as a black woman it saddens me to see other black women still doing so. I see black women barely wearing clothes and changing men like the do their knickers. I’m sure its feasible in a club, but I pity women who chose to live a lifestyle of the imaginary and have empty social lives.

I meet young black men who believe their lives are better in the hands of the street than they are in an educational institution.

I just want to remind us all of where we came from, we as a black people have endured much in terms of history, we are a lineage of Africans who lost out due to slavery. At one time in history we did not have a choice, we did not have the opportunity, we did not have the privilege to do the things and be the people we can be today.

I just want to remind the young people that before they venture out to another day of deliberate destitution that your time is NOW. You NOW have the choice to be the respectable people you deserve to be. For some of you who even have the opportunities to educate yourselves free of charge or under the expense of someone else I urge you to take it, own it because this may be the only chance you ever have.

Let us remember and honour our ancestors and let them truly rest in peace by knowing that their: toil, hopelessness, struggles, beatings, slaughtered dreams and all the injustices that they went through were not in vain because young black people today appreciate and acknowledge and honour their opportunities and responsibilities.

Claim it. Claim your role as that emancipated and empowered young black person that you are today.

Confrontation of a 13 year old ego

I would keep saying, hoping and praying,

That I would be worthy

Of all His blessing,

His mercies and praises.

I would be whole.

Now I am older, I am bolder.

Lying and fighting myself

Is not the way to His righteousness.

So now I am saying, hoping and praying,

That He let me see how beautiful I already am,

Despite what others say I am.

I am hoping and saying,

Trying and praying

Asking Him to teach me to love me,

To show me why I am.

I’m trying to be happy in the skin

I’m in

I know there’s no point fiddling,

With the features I’m given,

Even if there are others giggling.

|Metamorphosis

... I often melt into my own imagination of who I should be. My ‘potential’ leaks out of every single pore when I’ve dived into the well of my minds eye...

Part of the butterfly effect relies on the theory that if you change one thing in a timeline, everything else changes, but sometimes we need change to grow…

I call this phase of my blog:

METAMORPHISIS

IMPERFECT

I tried, but could not do it.

I stuttered, stumbled

And sometimes mumbled.

Feeling ashamed and so foolish

I hid.

Rying, screaming

And pouting like a kid.

I open my eyes

Only to realise…

I have failed.

I’ve failed you/

I’ve failed myself

I’ve failed everyone too.

I stutter, mumble

Titter, tumble

Stumble, tremble

And finally…

Crumble.

I try again,

I could not do it.

I stuttered stumbled

And sometimes mumbled.

I open my eyes,

To realise

I’m not a failure

Not at all.

It is ok to run,

Its ok to hide.

Its ALL OK because I tried.

I hope in you I can confide.

I’ll tell you a secret…

I’m not perfect

Not always correct, not always the best…

But it’s ok.

- This piece entirely speaks to the place I am now, one of my mentors and favourite motivational speakers, Eric Thomas, speaks of the three stages in life, which are: getting out of a storm, going through the storm and just getting into a storm. Yet he also speaks about rising above, rising above the clouds… so that even when a storm arises you are above the clouds and unable to be affected. In this journey we all outgrow certain phases, it doesn’t mean these things don’t exist anymore we have just outgrown them. I believe that there will always be some form of pain or discomfort or at least the threat of it throughout our lives, but the trick to being and being successful is to outgrow the pain, where the obstacle has not been destroyed, but where a new realisation has been birthed.

High school was not a pretty picture, but I sure am glad that my adolescent years are OVER! All the pressure of wanting to desperately fit in and please everyone was daunting and it took its toll on me. As I grow older I find myself growing more tolerant to the balance of my own imperfections and my ability and willingness to strive to be better (although I am pretty close to perfect!.. …. …. and that lame insert-of – joke just proved otherwise).

THE FIRST ARCHIVES- A poetic journey into and through adolescence