He gave me life,
I tried to give it back.
He gave me hope,
But, I received anger.
He gave me laughter,
I shield it and cried.
He gave me grace,
I trade it for disgrace.
And then…
He gave it to me again,
I shed my tears in disbelief.
I told him that I loved Him.
I cried and cried again that night…
He went away.
Just then, I remembered
How can I not love myself?
And claim that I love him?
And so…
He gave me his truth
I took it and trade it, for a lie.
- This poem was published in the “That’s write antholoagy” the early 2000’s (2001-2004, I’m seated right now… I really can’t be bothered to stand and go ALL the way up the stairs.. then back down again just to check the facts…) it also won me a 1st prize distinction award for poetry in high school.
This piece was inspired after a Friday at Church. I rarely used to go to church, all I remember was the pastor talking about how we ‘gotta love Jesus’ and he said something along the lines of, we can’t love God and others without loving ourselves first. I guess most of us are still coming to terms with ourselves and our weaknesses or just those little quirks we would like to change, I knew then that I didn’t fully love myself. I suffered from depression and anxiety, my body was changing and I was aware of it. I hated it. I felt I was too aware of too many things all at once about myself and growing up in a middle eastern country where barely anybody looked like me it was hard to accept the way I looked, being overweight made it that much more difficult too.
Today, I still have body hang-ups as well as unconventional personality traits that sometimes work to my disadvantage, but I grow more and more accepting and sometimes loving too. I’m a proud Christian and a Jesus lover and this poem in a way symbolises the many times in my life that God has come to my rescue and how I fail and falter but am once again delivered through His Almighty Grace and through the power and the blood of Jesus Christ, my saviour.
THE FIRST ARCHIVES- A poetic journey into and through adolescence
